I had an abortion last September. I was barely 6 weeks pregnant.
That abortion saved my life in several ways. It gave me my life back. And I don't mean that it gave me back the life I had before getting pregnant, because that life made me suicidal. It gave me back the life that was always mine, the life I didn't know how to receive and truly live.
When I released my pregnancy, I somehow released the death energy that had been plaguing my body and mind for so much of my life. During my abortion, I met the true essence of God for perhaps the first time- not the blissful and all-consuming feelings of love that I have experienced many times, but the rock-solid truth that despite whatever we go through, God/Love is with us. God wasn't going to save me from the pregnancy or the abortion. I had to go through it. And I felt God with me. Simply with me. Immanuel=God with us.
My life has dramatically changed since the abortion. I had felt as though I was actively dying for years. After the abortion, I knew the tide had turned. Life returned to me. Or I returned to life. I think it’s the same.
Yes, death has brought forth new life. This is not a contradiction, or an evil side effect of a world gone wrong. This is the way of Earth. All life requires the life of another. Every indigenous culture understands this. That is why the ancient gods of love and life are also gods of death and destruction. You cannot have life without death. We consume the bodies of animals and plants- their deaths nourish our lives. Like many (if not all?) other species, humans shape the landscape for our survival, killing various life forms in the process. Death is a constant reality. Death is inherent to life.
What does it really mean to be pro-life? To be pro-life, one must also be pro-death. These topics are far more complex than we've painted them. Because we've lost touch with the true nature of life, death, and the connections between all things on Earth, we've lost all context surrounding the value of life itself. Our arguments for or against abortion (and all other topics related to life, health, and death) are incredibly stupid and empty, totally missing the essence of what it means to both live and die.
The womb is a sacred space of both life and death, and it has been given only to women by God Herself. Women are the gatekeepers of life. We have been granted the power to decide who comes through and who doesn't. That is our bodily and spiritual function- our right and responsibility. And sometimes the most responsible choice is abortion. It certainly was in my case.
For years, I was chronically sick and suicidal, and most likely suffering from undiagnosed borderline personality disorder. My existence was, and in many ways still is, very chaotic. I knew after the birth of my last child in 2018 that there was no way I could bring another child into this world. My capacity to be a mother was beyond stretched.
I did my utter best to avoid pregnancy, but sometimes it just happens. Since I track my cycle, I knew right away when I got pregnant. My husband and I scheduled an abortion asap. There was simply no question or debate. My health and sanity could not tolerate another pregnancy and child. I needed to put myself first, in order to care for the three children I already have. Given that I already struggled with suicidal feelings, I worried the unwanted pregnancy may have ultimately pushed me to the edge, and that my children would end up without a mother. The new life growing inside me was not in any way inherently as or more valuable than my own life or the lives of my children, and I made the most pro-life decision I could in light of all the circumstances. I said no to the new life growing within me so I could say yes to MY life - so I could say yes to the lives who need me most, the lives of my precious children I am already responsible for.
I've never once regretted my decision, nor have I regretted the pregnancy since I had the abortion. There are certain experiences in life that feel orchestrated by powers outside our conscious control. I hold the utmost honor, love, and gratitude for the tiny life that came to me because I know, deep in my bones, that that soul came to heal me. That soul came as a willing scapegoat, just as Christians believe Jesus did, to carry the weight of my sin and pain, to die in order that I might live.
The night after taking the first abortion pill, I dreamed of an ancient dark complexioned man who also presented as a small boy. I asked him who he was, and he said we have known each other for thousands of years. He was so calmly happy, and he was happy for me, and he guided me as we floated over a field. The peace was incredible. I named my aborted child Immanuel (“God with us”), for it was the first time I knew beyond all shadow of a doubt that God is with me.
I met Immanuel. And I was changed. I was healed on a deep spiritual level, a healing I had been desperate for my entire life. I bled away the shame and lies of separation and unworthiness. The black hole of emptiness within me closed up. The suicidal fantasies dissipated. I had never been entirely sure of my existence. But suddenly I knew: I'm here.
I'm here.
I'm here.
Dear God, I am finally here.
I really can’t explain it all. It’s too complex and beyond my human ability to understand. I just know that somehow, the entire experience allowed me to claim the life that is mine, to finally snap my soul into alignment with my body. Life still hurts. Life is still fucked up in so many ways. But now, life feels like a gift rather than a curse. Now I finally know, I'm not alone. God is always with me.
My abortion was the necessary catalyst and initiation into claiming my right to live and be on this Earth, to fully inhabit this beautiful and fragile human body. Life is more precious to me now than ever before. I recognize that my life is the result of the billions of sacrifices of countless others, and I intend to honor every one of them by fully and deliberately living out this one precious life I have been given.
Immanuel is always with me, reminding me that I am never alone.
IMMANUEL - September 2021
There will always be deep sadness to process-
there is no end of tragedy.
There will always be joy to surprise you-
there is no end of pleasure.
Death comes to give you Life,
and Life teaches you how to die.
There is only this:
Do you know how to live well?
Do you know how to die well?
Immanuel.
God is here
in every single moment
Not to save you
nor to thrill you
God is here
because you are.
We are here.
**There are so many more details to my abortion experience that I am unable to share right now. I am starting the makings of a book to explain the years-long journey that ultimately led me to accept abortion as a natural part of the life/death cycle on Earth. It feels like the most important thing I may ever write, because it is the culmination of every vital piece of wisdom that I have ever come across and personally experienced. It is about far more than just abortion.
In the meantime, I feel called to continue sharing parts of my experience as I am able to write them.